Trying to find peace

This week has started pretty rough ... very challenging children, very challenging behaviour but something that i kind of wished for, since i love challenges. it does tend to get overwhelming at times....

I wanted to cry today, but i couldn't ... i haven't had that feeling in a very long time; and i cry a lot! It is my way of letting frustrations and stress out. Today i couldn't ... Why? Don't ask me! I don't know!

I have come to realise that there are just so many things that i "do not know"about myself ... things/ emotions/ reactions that i do not understand. People often come and ask me: "What is wrong?"I cannot explain to them and if i try it makes no sense, although it does help me at times; as i vocalize my thoughts, it starts making sense to me. But, once again, it takes people who are willing to listen to all of my "junk"... and those people you do not find easily.

I have come to realise that i put other people's needs above my own and i never do what i want/like, but what other people want.... Sometime you think that is what Christianity is all about, but i dont think God wants me to "burn" myself.

Then, people hurt me and i do not say anything ... i tolerate it, ignore it for a while, but with every drop of hurt, i get more and more upset and anger starts growing inside me.... Does that sound like i am a doormat?? It kind of does to me! I usually ignore it, because i think people do not do it on purpose and it is just an accident that comes out of lack of knowledge and understanding of who i am, how i am, my culture etc.

I was talking to a friend saying that i like to be myself and i do not pretend to be somebody i am not ... "what you see is what you get!", but not standing up for myself and what i like/want/think, instead of what others want proves the opposite.... Shocking!

All i want is to find peace, first of all peace with myself ...

I need discipline ... i need to finish all the books i have started, i need to finish my cross stitch, i need to go for walks, i need to do something more than school-home every day ...